A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mother's labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins.

The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain.
The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch.
The husband still feels fine, so the doc puts it up to 30%.
The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%. He tells the doctor, "Go ahead and put it up to 100%."
The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all.
The Doctor is amazed at the husband's pain threshold as most men would have keeled over and died at the 50% level. So, they both go back home with their child, where they find the milkman dead on their steps...

A woman goes into the doctor because she's missed a couple of periods and takes a test, revealing she's pregnant. So she goes into the doctor to confirm the results, and finds out she's about 3 1/2 months pregnant. "Hmmmm." she says.
"Is this not good news?" He says to her.
"No, not necessarily.. The problem is that I've been with 5 different guys in the past 4 months, I have no idea who the father could be!"
"Well, it looks as though you may want to contact each of them and have them come in for DNA testing. Then you'll know for sure." Said the Doc.
"I can't do that." She says. "Why not?" The Doctor replies. "Because, they've changed their Screen Names!!!!"

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, if you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body.

A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!"

The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 5 at age19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.

She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.

Job Opening at the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" "You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."